I am Love by Luca Guadagnino

Starring the exquisitely talented Tilda Swinton, this is a beautiful film about tradition and transgression. Various members of a blue-blooded family are breaking the rules in their own ways, and while one (the son's marriage to a non-elite) is being accepted with good humor, the daughter's orientation is revealed only to those who can be trusted not to lash out at her. But it is the mother's love-affair with a man half her age that is the fulcrum of the film.


Metaphors abound in this film. Water in various forms signifying the freeze or flow of emotions, curtains as banishment, large and small doors as openings to another world, ...

In many traditions, a lustful mother is a reviled character, hated by her progeny for being anything else but a nurturer. In a strange twist later in the film, the cost and consequence of the mother's lust suddenly become larger than life, and it seems that she will not be able to withstand the pressure. Will she, won't she?

The idyllic scenes in the mountains reminded of the family outing of Stellet Licht. Civilization is a scaffolding of nature, and nature shown unadorned as plants, trees, insects, birds, and finally humans only serves to focus us on the gilded, crystallized, mannered unnaturalness of the other world.

This is also an interesting film on privilege and class. While a prince charming a humble maid is a fairy tale in almost all cultures, a servant charming the queen is almost always regarded as worthy of the harshest punishment. Without exception, honor killings in primitive societies involve the relationship of a humble man with a woman from a more privileged background.

The "man" is shown as an culinary aesthete, and I could not but help reflect that his almost feminine sensitivity or his refinement as a lover was (by a directorial touch, no doubt) balanced by his masculine disregard for his appearance, and his "truck" and his beard.

There are many moments of revelation and recognition in the film. And I loved the way nothing was said during those moments, but the nuanced facial expressions, the breaths, the self-conscious brushing of the hair, said it all.

This film reminded me of two other European films: The Celebration, and After the Wedding. Other reviewers have mentioned Visconti's The Leopard.

This film confirms my opinion about Tilda Swinton as an actress with an enormous range. Her character in Julia could not have been more different than in this, and both are different than the calculating, corporate woman of Michael Clayton. All three are stand-out performances.

Another slow, picturesque film with European sensibilities that I recently enjoyed was the thriller The American (Anton Corbijn, 2010).

Tips on Sleeping Better

Mostly I have a restful night, but very very rarely, not so much. Over the years, I have formed certain conclusions about what leads to a good night's sleep (and a good morning), and what doesn't. Maybe some can be useful for anybody, while some other suggestions may be only for a few.

Here are some tips and biases and experiential "nuggets" from one who considers sleeping one of life's essential pleasures, and who thinks that a day is to a large measure as good as the night prior:

• Sleep alone. You may be married, or in a relationship and I don't wish you to be celibate. But consider this carefully. Some people (especially women) may be fond of a "stuffed animal" or a "hugging pillow" while they sleep, but sleeping next to living thing is not without its distractions. In many traditional societies (for example, village joint families), a husband and wife go to their separate rooms (or sections in the home) after enjoying conjugal bliss. I think it may have helped to keep the attraction alive for a longer time. I know the limitations of cramped apartments and nuclear families or large families, so this is only if you can afford it.
  
  
• Sleep on your back (with hands folded on your tummy) or on your left side (with legs bent). Any other posture will either lead to labored breathing, or indigestion and build-up of stomach gases. I was pleased to find at least the left-side posture confirmed by medicinal studies.
  
  
• Do not eat for a few hours before going to bed. If you are having a late dinner, have a light dinner. I don't recommend eating beyond 10pm anyway.
  
  
• Having a glass of hot milk before sleeping has been generally recommended in traditional Indian families (my grandparents used to do this without fail), though it may not suit the lactose intolerant. And of course, do not have caffeine during the night.
  
  
• Always either brush your teeth, or at least enthusiastically rinse your mouth before going to sleep. I also recommend washing your face.
  
  
• If you are tired, having a warm bath before sleeping works wonders.
  
  
• As much as possible, do not have vigorous air circulation where you sleep. That is, unless it is very hot, keep the fan speed to a minimum. It dries the skin and the hair.
  
  
• If you sleep in an air-conditioned area, make sure the draft does not strike you on your face. You may catch a cold. And keep it just cool enough, not cold, as it will get colder as the night progresses.
  
  
• Sleeping under the stars is a great experience but not very easy to have in a city.
  
  
• Have at least some ventilation, unless it is stormy and deathly cold. Just a couple of mm opening in a window is enough.
  
  
• Do not sleep stark naked under the sheets. This may be an accepted practice in rich homes in cold climates with heated interiors and private bedrooms, but in any other climate or culture, it is a bad idea. Unless you want to wash your sheets every day.
  
  
• Always keep a sheet, even if it is warm enough when you go to sleep. It may turn cool during the night.
  
  
• Reading something in the bed is a good aid to sound sleep, and takes your mind off what happened during the day.
  
  
• Either have a soft pillow, or a thin pillow. A thick pillow is not good for your neck, especially if you sleep on your back. Modern desk jobs make people slouch and crane their necks forward, you only worsen it by having a pillow which stretches your neck muscles.
  
  
• Try to go to sleep before midnight. Most people get up at around the same time every morning. The later you sleep, the more sleep-deprived you will feel the next day. I like to go to sleep before 11pm, and I wake up, almost everyday, at 6am.
  
  
• Keep your feet warm in wintertime. Wearing a fresh pair of cotton or wool socks is a good way to do it. It also means you don't accidentally step on the cold floor if you have to get up during the night.
  
  
• Silence your mobiles etc. and keep them away from you.
  
  
• It is good to have a very faint light (almost like moonlight) coming into your room through a white curtain. Do not completely block outside light. In the morning, it is pleasant to have the room get slowly lighter in shade from the outside light. It helps you wake up.
  
  
• Keep a glass of water, a clock, and napkins by the bedside when you go to sleep.
  
  
• Eating in bed (whether at night, or in the morning) is not a good idea. It leads to germs and stains and general sloppiness. Media has portrayed "room-service breakfasts" (having food served to you in bed) to be a luxury. Of course you can't have it at home (you will end up soiling and spoiling the bed linen), but maybe that's the point. To generate two kg of laundry (four towels, bed sheets, pillow cases) every day if you are staying in a hotel is such a luxury. Bah.
  
  
• If you are a couple, and if you have to sleep together, let the woman sleep on the left. This is not an esoteric tip. There are reasons for this. A man generally wants to feel protective of his woman, and if he sleeps on the left side of his body, as well as on the right side of the bed, he has his wife in his field of vision. And humans are right handed, and if he is on the left side of the bed, it may be more convenient for mammalian activities (feminists may want to decry both these "reasons"). Anyway, I like to sleep on the left side of the bed, so, there!
  
  
• Keep the bed linen fresh and clean smelling. Make your bed when you get up in the morning.
  
  
• Rinse your mouth the first thing in the morning. Have a glass or two of warm water. (ref this tasteless joke).
  
  
• In the mornings, keep the first hour quiet and calm. Slowly let your body and mind regain their activity; and even if you are fresh and active when you get up, remain contemplative. I am pretty sure it is impossible when there are children in the house (a solitary morning-walk is a good idea if there are many occupants in the home). I have known some people who immediately switch on the television or start banging things in the kitchen or start talking. Some people may also like a bit of prayer, light chanting or instrumental music when the day breaks.
  

A Debate on God

A debate between Sam Harris, Michael Shermer, Deepak Chopra and Jean Houston was filmed ABC Nightline. The title of the debate was "Does God have a Future?".

What I find remarkable in the debate is the hatred and arrogance in Deepak Chopra's body language coexisting with his verbiage of oneness and compassion.

The debate is split into 12 parts (each of about 8-10 minutes) and is available here on YouTube.

Some comments about this debate (apart from those on the YouTube videos themselves) are here and here.

The Stress and The Coping

Psychological stress is the brain's state in a situation where the cost of "taking it easy" is high.

A few examples.

Driving in heavy chaotic traffic is stressful (the cost of taking it easy is accident and death), preparing for an exam is stressful (the cost of taking it easy is professional and social disgrace), taking care of a child in a war-zone is stressful (the cost of taking it easy is to lose a life), keeping one's job in a time of recession is stressful (the cost of taking it easy is bankruptcy), ensuring one's credit report is clean is stressful (the cost of taking it easy is not being able to buy a car or a house in the future), listening to one's resentful spouse is stressful (the cost of taking it easy is escalation of conflict, separation and potentially divorce), living in a crowded metro is stressful (the cost of taking it easy is not being able to get anything done).

Stress is also there when a situation is felt to be out of one's control. One feels less stressed if one feels capable of solving a problem on one's own. A toilet failing (or the non-arrival of the maid/babysitter) in a modern home is a rather stressful situation.

Stress is not just because the individual is fearful, cautious, apprehensive, greedy, ambitious or insecure. The situation may very well deserve a heightened-attention response. Some people are less stressed about the same event. Once again, that may be due to the individual's affective make-up, as well as his preparedness for the worst outcome. For example, a man with a savings worth a few years' salary will be less stressed about losing his job than one who has no savings and is living on credit. And a man who has no family to support may be less stressed about news of corruption in health-care than one who has asthmatic kids and a diabetic wife.

Modern urban and white-collar life is psychologically stressful despite all the comforts and institutional support mechanisms because of the ... comforts and institutional support mechanisms. Let me explain. If you live in a big city, you need to spend a not insignificant amount of money to have decent housing, you need to have more possessions (e.g. a vehicle, telephone) than a villager because you will be otherwise handicapped and require special and discretionary treatment. I have a friend who refuses to learn driving. It is a good thing he is rich and has a driver. Others who are as stubborn might have to sweat it out in the grimy buses and with rude auto-wallahs.

Most of the so-called comforts of city life are almost necessities. Yes, having them means one can go to a multiplex and sleep in a cool room. But not having them in the city is worse than not having them in a village where they are not needed to fulfill the basic needs. I cannot stress this enough.

Similarly, institutional support (roads, traffic, police, ambulances, hospitals, fire brigades) is a necessity in a large city. But institutions mean that you delegate some very crucial aspects of your life to others. You depend on others in a significant way, and hence maintaining the quality of those institutions becomes a stressful concern.

Most of all, however, the institution of money is what I think leads to an unavoidable situation of stress. Money is a contract about future interactions in which the terms of the contract (inflation, purchasing power, interest rates, duties/taxes, bank solvency) are mostly controlled by others. This leads to a peculiar feeling that no amount of money is ever enough. Without money, you can't move an inch in a modern civilization (and exceptions are therefore remarkable). Money is an institution which one can't do without, and which is to a frightening degree out of one's control. Hence, stress.

It is easy to comprehend that to reduce one's commitments and engagements is a way to reduce stress. The less one has to engage with others, the less the things which are dependent on oneself, the less dependent one is on others, and the less one is affected by changes in circumstances.

It is also easy to comprehend that to manage similar levels of stress better (for example, some stock traders sleep better than others) is a useful skill. Some people are able to "handle" stress better and though some of it may be due to their constitution, better responses to stressful situations can certainly be cultivated through various practices.

Stress is a psychological response to a challenging situation. If one is bothered by the mental state in a situation of stress, one either works at the psychological response, or at the situation.

People differ in the mechanisms they can muster to cope with stressful situations. Since these are volatile times of rapid change, some people can choose to drop out (to various extents) from the flux and flow of society. They may want to live in a village, or in a commune, or live as a retired person, etc.

Others can adapt various dissociative techniques, denials, paradigms and psychological postures to inure themselves from feeling stressed. A possible psychological posture may be to say "So What?" to a situation of stress (not that I recommend this posture). Others may find solace in prayer and community.

Given that each person differs in their affective make-up, inclination, intellectual capacities, and in their circumstances, there is no one-size-fits-all coping solution. Some may be more inclined to religion, some to books, some to traveling, some to remaining bachelors or spinsters, some who are highly capable of handling stress may become entrepreneurs, some may take to crime, some may want to effect a "radical mutation in their brain", and so on and so forth.

And the important thing to me seems to be: Unless one's coping mechanism introduces even more stress in others than it reduces in oneself, generally one should be left alone with one's devices.

If a fringe guru/ideologue is advocating some arcane spiritual/social remedy and if people are gathering around him feeling interested, no need to fret. To each his own. It is when they force others to adapt their beloved remedy that things get ugly.

Recipes for Happiness, part one

A thought came to my mind: Why not start a collection of recipes for happiness that other people (whether laymen or experts) have proposed? This can also include lists such as guidelines for a fulfilling life.

The only criterion is that the list should contain clear statements, instead of consisting of general principles or of vague aphorisms (an example of the latter kind is Seven Habits of Highly Effective People). The lists may be serious or lighthearted, all are welcome!

Please contribute in the comments section!

And please, no self-created lists. I am looking to collect only recipes authored by famous people or authors, or the results of extensive surveys.

I make no recommendation for these recipes. In other words: Buyer Beware, Pick and choose, No warranties, etc.

Let me seed the collection with three lists:

...

Khushwant Singh

First and foremost is good health. If you do not enjoy good health, you can never be happy. Any ailment, however trivial, will deduct something from your happiness.

Second, a healthy bank balance. It need not run into crores, but it should be enough to provide for comforts, and there should be something to spare for recreation—eating out, going to the movies, travel and holidays in the hills or by the sea. Shortage of money can be demoralising. Living on credit or borrowing is demeaning and lowers one in one’s own eyes.

Third, your own home. Rented places can never give you the comfort or security of a home that is yours for keeps. If it has garden space, all the better. Plant your own trees and flowers, see them grow and blossom, and cultivate a sense of kinship with them.

Fourth, an understanding companion, be it your spouse or a friend. If you have too many misunderstandings, it robs you of your peace of mind. It is better to be divorced than to be quarrelling all the time.

Fifth, stop envying those who have done better than you in life—risen higher, made more money, or earned more fame. Envy can be corroding; avoid comparing yourself with others.

Sixth, do not allow people to descend on you for gup-shup. By the time you get rid of them, you will feel exhausted and poisoned by their gossip-mongering.

Seventh, cultivate a hobby or two that will fulfil you—gardening, reading, writing, painting, playing or listening to music. Going to clubs or parties to get free drinks, or to meet celebrities, is a criminal waste of time. It’s important to concentrate on something that keeps you occupied meaningfully. I have family members and friends who spend their entire day caring for stray dogs, giving them food and medicines. There are others who run mobile clinics, treating sick people and animals free of charge.

Eighth, every morning and evening devote 15 minutes to introspection. In the mornings, 10 minutes should be spent in keeping the mind absolutely still, and five listing the things you have to do that day. In the evenings, five minutes should be set aside to keep the mind still and 10 to go over the tasks you had intended to do.

Ninth, don’t lose your temper. Try not to be short-tempered, or vengeful. Even when a friend has been rude, just move on.

Above all, when the time comes to go, one should go like a man without any regret or grievance against anyone. Iqbal said it beautifully in a couplet in Persian: "You ask me about the signs of a man of faith? When death comes to him, he has a smile on his lips."

The SOEP Survey:

1. Having an emotionally stable (non-neurotic) marital partner;
2. Prioritizing altruistic and/or family goals;
3. Attending church; and
4. Making a satisfactory trade-off between work and leisure - both are important, but need to be balanced.

Robert Fulghum (author of All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten)

• Share everything.
• Play fair.
• Don't hit people.
• Put things back where you found them.
• Clean up your own mess.
• Don't take things that aren't yours.
• Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
• Wash your hands before you eat.
• Flush.
• Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
• Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
• Take a nap every afternoon.
• When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.
• Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
• Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.
• And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.