Sunday, June 13, 2010

43 Things I learned from Rajneeti

(in no particular order)

1. Politicians in India are fond of black Mercedes and white SUVs.

2. Arjun Rampal loves rough sex at his work place but is willing to be celibate for a good looking lass at home.

3. Ranbir Kapoor is doing his PhD on the Subtextual violence in Victorian Poetry in the 19th century in a US university and still doesn't know how to french kiss.

4. When a politician has sex, pregnancy is inevitable, unless the sex is in standing position.

5. Because of a bad romantic decision, Naseeruddin Shah has to continue his tapasya and abandon the poor people whom he is so passionate about.

6. A farewell letter from Naseeruddin Shah quickly turns a woman from being a fiery radical leftist into a happily married kitchen supervisor who knows when to say "jyaeshth putr" to carry on the family name in politics.

7. Katrina Kaif can morph from a party-girl to one who can say things like "voh mujh me apnaa ansh chhod gaye haen."

8. A PhD student from the US can aim his pistol at a moving man 30-yards away and get a bullet through the heart.

9. Ajay Devgun can sure drive a Merc, but when it comes to SUVs, he is unable to handle oncoming traffic.

10. When a big political leader leaves in a drunk state in his SUV for a factory which has impressive broadband internet connectivity, his security folks just stand by doing nothing, and his second-in-command knows exactly where his boss has gone, and he also doesn't bring any security with him.

11. Babu Lal likes to have a massage before he does it.

12. Babu Lal thinks it is better to really piss off his bosses who can murder at will, than be exposed as a closet gay.

13. Babu Lal usually sleeps soundly, very soundly.

14. When you sign on a document saying that you will leave the country for ever and go to the USA and never come back, your cousin brother will just assume you have a green card.

15. 376 IPC is the section for rape and you don't get bail for that even from high court.

16. A general secretary of a major political party can nominate three people to the core committee on his discretion, and he usually exercises that discretion for a kabaddi player who is allowed to come into the high security meeting room by the security because he seems constipated.

17. When in the morning Ajay Devgun is sitting outside his house, waiting for pressure to build so that he can relieve himself of his constipation, the last thing you want to tell him is to come to momma.

18. When you go to kill a man, his parents will tell you that he is not their real son in the hope that it will make it difficult for you to kill him.

19. Nana Patekar finds it impossible to shoot his sister's son, but has no problem disposing of him as a newborn in a basket in a river, and then egging on his nephew to kill him.

20. PhD students really like to take care of their grieving mothers-in-law in another country after doing a few killings in cold blood in their home country.

21. A horrible head-on accident in an SUV will not put a single scratch on a man even though he is not wearing any seat-belt.

22. Ajay Devgun can carry a man to a major hospital which is walking distance from a narrow bridge.

23. As soon as someone's dad is killed, Katrina Kaif seizes her chance to try and get him to propose to her for marriage.

24. Katrina Kaif likes to slide her arm over a table when she leaves in an upset state.

25. Katrina Kaif who drives a convertible at 200kmph will marry her lover's brother on the advice of her treadmilling dad, even though she hates all three of them.

26. It is perfectly legal and GAAP-compliant to leave the receipts for a donation of 5 crores to your party's fund, when you are actually offered only 5 lakhs and when you think there is a rounding error.

27. Saxeria is a very pragmatic man. He will marry off his daughter not to the chief-minister candidate who is majorly ahead in the opinion polls, but to a man who is a loser and who has an uphill struggle ahead of him.

28. You can hack EVMs (Electronic Voting Machines) remotely and if you do that, it will be such a sophisticated hack that the voter will notice that no matter which button he presses, the vote goes somewhere else.

29. Using a PowerPoint slide show on a wall-mounted LCD television is always a positive sign that your party is going to win.

30. Kingfisher flies to the US.

31. When Arjun Rampal decides not to sleep with his wife, he doesn't go to another bedroom but always sleeps on the couch.

32. After a month or so of sleeping separately, Katrina Kaif recognizes the goodness in her mafioso husband when he is not covered properly.

33. An American girlfriend won't be nice on the phone after her boyfriend's dad has just been killed, but will come to India to be naked in the shower with him.

34. Sweet-nothings in Hindi can really turn on Ranbir Kapoor.

35. In India, you can be a really astute political thinker if you use a macbook pro while you smoke heavily.

36. US university stairwells have big portraits of former US presidents so that you know it really is the US.

37. Farmhouses in Chhatarpur usually have a few baseball bats lying around.

38. In a big political rally in India, it is easy for an opposition party worker to get on to the stage and criticize you from the podium.

39. You can really know India and become very wise by wearing sarees, raising your arm to show off your sweaty armpit, and after you hold a dirty kid in your arms.

40. When a poor driver of a posh Merc owned by his politico bosses parks it in his ghetto, he leaves the keys in it.

41. You can wash off a big sedan, all dusty and dirty, with half a bucket of water thrown over its windshield.

42. All the security guards of a chief ministerial candidate will leave him alone on a highway, to have a dekko at what's blocking the road.

43. Ranbir Kapoor likes to gift smartphones which have his personal number on them, rather than just give his number.

11 comments:

harman said...

Another thing to learn - Movie like Rajneeti is set to become biggest hit of 2010.

Anonymous said...

harman said...

Another thing to learn - Movie like Rajneeti is set to become biggest hit of 2010.


Oh my, the heights of intelligence this species displays is such a marvel to behold I can barely contain my joy!

Amit said...

From Economic Times 6th June : "Multiple controversies notwithstanding, Prakash Jha's much-awaited and much-hyped dark political thriller "Raajneeti" has set the cash registers ringing - courtesy its widely-appreciated content ."


C'mon Harman, why nitpick such widely-appreciated content which the masses are gorging themselves silly on ? Further, director Prakash Jha claims that the movie to be a modern re-telling of Mahabharata.

GI-GO, nahi ?

Pankaj said...

ha ha. though there are a lot of spoilers :)

lesson 44 - people love nasties

Mohan said...

U just published public content revealing that the movie has sex, shower scenes & homosexuality involving Katrina and Arjun Rampal... u know what that will do to the BO collections... :)

illusions said...

First of all, great observations & excellent post.

Regarding point no. 12, I think Babu Lal wasn't simply facing the fear of being exposed as a closet gay. He was afraid because the guy with whom he was sleeping was murdered.

One more thing to learn:
A chief ministerial candidate will request a constable to clear up the traffic which is already tended to by a number of security guards.

Harmanjit Singh said...

@illusions:

I think Babu Lal wasn't simply facing the fear of being exposed as a closet gay. He was afraid because the guy with whom he was sleeping was murdered.

Well, since he didn't murder him, why was he so scared? Yes, it would mean complications, but what he later did was far more dangerous. Didn't he know the stakes involved when he went ahead for the past conference.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps H. L. Mencken should have said:

"No one ever went broke underestimating human intelligence."

instead of

"No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people." - H. L. Mencken.

illusions said...

@Harmanjit Singh: Well, he was promised protection, wasn't he? Now, it can be argued that he must know how trustworthy politicians are (since he's involved in the line for years), but I guess that he'd to pick a side; so he acted on impulse & chose what seemed best to him at that time.

loky said...

> 30. Kingfisher flies to the US.

I was rather impressed by the film maker here. Remember Ranbir Kapoor was flying out to US from Bhopal - I don't expect a direct flight from Bhopal to any US city. So he most likely took a Bhopal -> Mum - > some US city.

Looked pretty reasonable for them to show kingfisher there.

Srujal said...

I just loved your post... because all around I was thinking i am the only jerk that did not like the film and can see flaws in it ;) thank you for such minute and still interesting post dude ;)