Quips on Indian Traffic

Most traffic lights don't really work. And even if they do, you better watch out.

There are no standards for road signs or for lane markings or the color or the markers. Sometimes lanes are divided by yellow lines, sometimes they are white. Sometimes they are solid white, sometimes the two sides of the road are divided by double yellow lines, sometimes just a single yellow, and so on...

There are no stop signs in India. There are speed-breakers (otherwise known as bumps) instead, at the most unexpected of places on a highway or on a road. speed breakers take various forms. The simplest one is just a huge bump. Another is a series of small bumps. Then there are small protruding discs or cubes(dozens of them) covering about a meter length of the road surface.

Lane discipline and lane markings, are non-existent. Lanes can only work in a nominally homogenous traffic. In India, one will find, in the busiest of highways in the biggest of metros, everything from bullock carts to Mercedes S Class sedans. In most places, three cars will occupy two lanes. Suddenly the lane will disappear and two lanes will become one.

There are no turn lanes. So if you are in right lane, you might very well get stuck behind a car that is waiting to take a right turn on an intersection. So, most people wisely stick to the left lane, even if they have to drive fast. When they encounter a slow vehicle, they honk at it (if unable to just overtake it by moving into the right lane.) The slower vehicle might move to the left or the right, depending on the stars. If it goes to the right lane, it will continue in it till the next honk...

One cannot be expected to follow laws if everybody else around is breaking them with impunity. Traffic cops stop you for an offense and then let you off after a bribe. It is easier to pay a bribe than to go through the legal process. Bribery to get off the hook is injustice to the other so-called common men who are following the traffic laws.

Indian roads and road-signs are not designed to deter breaking of the law. They actually encourage it.

Honking in the west primarily means either "Wake up, move" or, "Hey, what are you doing asshole." Both are exceptional circumstances.

However, in India, honking is done as a matter of course, but contrary to what many think, honking is not a harmless phenomenon prevalent due to the Indian psyche. Frequent honking actually signifies the persistent breakdown in regulated traffic and can mean either of these things on an Indian road:

"Hey look, watch out. I am coming."
(People make sudden lane changes without noticing whether anybody is already in the other lane. People drive through red lights honking loudly.)

"I am overtaking you, notice me."
(In other words, "I know you are in your own world, but be careful, I am coming into the lane next to you, so continue in your own lane and let me pass.")

"Invisible people beware!"
(Badly designed intersections need honking so that at least a warning noise is there when visuals are impossible. It is for this reason that Enfield Bullet is the safest two wheeler on Indian roads. As its ads say, "People hear you before they see you." The thump of a 350cc single cylinder. Bravo!)

"Speed up." or "Give way."
(Since the horse-power of vehicles on an Indian road is anywhere from 0 to 300, there is every possibility that both the lanes on a road are filled with rickshaws or cows or beggars or people just having a fun time spitting or haggling with the fruit vendor.)

"The light is green. Why can't I move?"
(As soon as the light turns green, the patient Indian roadster who has five cars ahead of him can't seem to figure out why, with the light green, he is not zipping at the speed of 60kmph.)

One finds an utterly remarkable device in Indian cars these days. It is the reverse-gear beeper. As soon as the car is put in reverse gear, the car starts sounding loud beeps or melodies. Now why would one need such a device? Two reasons: Hubris on the part of the driver (why look back when he is sounding such a loud beep that everybody should get out of his way) and unawareness of one's surroundings on the part of the other creatures on the road (the road is their property, what is this car which is slowly moving to and fro and honking, well he's honking, so he must want to get somebody who is in front of the car out of the way. Ater all, how do they know that his honking is for them. Oh, it is the reverse honk. Okay, sorry buddy, moving away.)

Since fuel is so expensive, so one finds imaginative ways to save it. Cars running on domestic LPG cylinders. Cars and motorcycles going the wrong way because to take a U-turn further up the road would be really expensive.

High beams!! As soon as the sun sets, a thousand suns rise on the Indian roads. Most drivers are actually unaware that there is a setting called the "low beam" for the headlights. The road seems brighter with a high beam, very nice, so why not?

Now there are many reasons why driving with high beams is so common. Firstly, Indian roads are very badly designed and constructed with an uneven pavement and usually no white lines at the road boundary. It is pretty dangerous to drive at 60kmph with only a low beam when the road ahead might have potholes the size of a bunker. The farther one can see the road, the better.

Secondly, the attitude is, "I am in a hurry and my life is more important than yours. So I need to see the road and to hell with you. If you are blinded, well, too bad. Just wait till I get past you and then you can carry on."

On many trucks one will find the painted messages, "Horn Please" and "Use dipper at night." "Horn Please" is simple enough: It just means "Honk if you need to overtake."

The second message is slightly more complicated. There are various interpretations. According to one interpretation, it asks the reader to use a low beam at night. According to another, it means that instead of honking, one should toggle high beam and low beam at night to signal an oncoming vehicle or to request a vehicle in front to "give side" (to let one pass). The irony is that the message is written in English, which a very small percentage of Indians are going to understand.

And if for some strange reason you curse the driver or the road or anyone in general, you are reminded in no uncertain terms, "Buri Nazar Waale Tu Zeher Khaale!" ("You evil eyed one! Why? Take some poison.")