One often comes across the word "cheating" when reading about monogamy, adultery and extra-marital affairs.
Marriage is a union of two people. What kind of union is it?
Economic: They will pool their financial resources in the pursuit of common goals, including the care of their joint offspring.
Social: They will form a unit of hospitality and of social visits. They will engage together in social rituals.
Sexual: They can have sex with each other without anybody objecting or threatening that the intercourse is illegal, anti-social, not allowed, not possible etc. They can produce offspring which are considered first class citizens (i.e., having full rights) of the society.
Emotional: They provide companionship and living together to each other.
Legal: They are a legal entity for purposes of housing, parenting, immigration, taxation etc.
What are the biological and historical roots of this union?
The fundamental reason for this union is to pool the physical resources for taking care of the children who, in the human species, need care for an extended period. An average single parent can ill-afford to both gather resources for the household and to provide constant care for the dependants.
Sex is the vehicle for genetic propagation. It is a means, not an end. It can have psychological and sensual significance as an act in itself but this significance is nothing but a sophisticated incentive for genetic propagation. Humans can, however, disregard completely the procreative aspect and focus on the recreative aspect of sex.
Males of the human species have evolved in such a way that their goal is to attract as many females as possible and have multiple sexual encounters in order to ensure the maximal propagation possibility of their genes.
Females of the human species have evolved in such a way that they want to attract as many males as possible and to persuade the resource-rich males to provide for them and their offspring after the congress is over in order to ensure the maximal survival rate for their genes (in the form of their offspring).
An optimally evolved male will indulge in promiscuity only to an extent. Impregnating a large number of women without ensuring the survival of the resulting offspring is genetically futile.
This striving for maximal self-propagation is built into the very nature of genes. This instinct for maximal propagation results in the widely-observed promiscuous nature of human males. And since nature has clubbed together the psychological, genetic and the sensual in the sexual act, any one of these avenues getting satisfied in the act can fulfill the male's desire for promiscuity.
This promiscuity of the male makes insecure the female(s) with whom the impregnation has already happened. The implicit agreement, formalized in legal contracts in the modern age, is that in exchange for a female's childbearing capacity and other value-additions, the male will continue to provide for her. After all, the genetic propagation is of benefit to both of them.
But males will not stop being promiscuous, they are not made to be monogamous. They will seek to satisfy their promiscuous instincts with as many women as possible (within the social, legal, economic and emotional restraints).
The irony is that having a lot of sex with many women while ensuring that no impregnation happens (as is ubiquitous in this age) is a harmless perversion of nature's aims. It is to value the side effects of the act (the psychological, emotional or sensual payoff) over its main function (procreation). The sensible man will: (a) ensure the survival and wellbeing of current offspring, and (b) not engage in dangerous sexual encounters (comprising health risks or risks of emotional misery or social ostracism).
Coming to our main topic, what is "cheating"?
The charge of "cheating" is the charge of not upholding one's end of the contract after a sexual union is agreed upon. After all, the complicating factor is that propagation of genes in humans requires the cooperation of the male as well as the female. Not just in the sexual act, but also in the sharing of responsibilities of providing and caring for the offspring.
In case there is no contract (e.g. in a one-night stand), there is no notion of cheating as well.
The contract is (simplistically) as follows:
(Given by the male to the female)Thank you for allowing me to impregnate you and to use you as a vehicle for the propagation of my genes. I promise to provide for you and for the offspring the resources and continued support necessary for your and their survival and well-being. I promise not to impregnate other women and share my resources with them. They will be used for us and our joint offspring only.
Signed, Male.
(Given by the female to the male)Thank you for choosing me as a vehicle for the propagation for your genes as I will benefit from this impregnation too. My genes will also propagate through this offspring, who will be generously provided for by you for years to come. I promise to nurture and care for this offspring and enhance his/her chances of survival and well-being. I promise you that I will not get impregnated by other men and deviously ask you to care for their offspring through me.
Signed, Female.
...
Hence, what is the charge of "cheating" in a sexual union?
According to a female, the male is cheating if he impregnates other women and shares his resources amongst them, which "rightfully" only belonged to her. Since even a partial taking away of the resources might mean a lowering of the well-being of their joint offspring, and she cannot leave the male due to a breach of contract since she will be risking the offspring's well-being even more, she is understandably upset.
This cheating can be to the male's own detriment, if he does not have enough resources and his various offspring suffer due to too wide a distribution of his limited resources.
According to a male, the female is cheating if she is not caring enough for his offspring and is risking impregnation from other men while still holding this male as the primary provider for her current and possibly future offspring. (The male sees no value in providing for offspring of other males, which do zilch for his own genetic propagation. The only reason he might agree to provide for such offspring is if their mother is an outstanding genetic partner.)
If the female is thus cheating, the male cannot easily desert the female without risking the well-being of their joint offspring. Being thus trapped, he is understandably upset.
This cheating can be to the female's own detriment, if she produces too many offspring which she can possibly care well for, and if she alienates her loyal male provider(s).
I believe polygamy should not be illegal or socially taboo for males who can afford to provide for multiple women and their offspring, and for females who can afford to hire enough nannies. Even in developed countries, presidents and billionaires have to contend with having only one legal sexual partner at any time. They therefore have mistresses and indulge in socially-frowned-upon sexual encounters (e.g. the Monica Lewinsky affair). Their non-marital sexual partners have no legal rights. I find this unfair.
Now comes the interesting part.
If the "cheating" (as is common in today's times) is to engage in sexual encounters without any aim of impregnation or consequent resource-sharing, and with enough precautions taken to avoid sexually transmitted diseases, what exactly is wrong with it, again? How exactly is it "cheating"?
It is not cheating yet, but there is the risk, see.
The female can be hyper-sensitive to the risk that while being harmlessly promiscuous (so to speak), the male may actually impregnate his new partner, or get otherwise entangled, and stop providing for herself and their joint offspring. One of the valid criteria by which women judge this risk is the male's emotional bonding with them. If the emotional bond weakens, there is the very real risk that "their man" is now loving someone else.
In any case, it is a risk, and what is the best way to avoid this risk altogether? To control the promiscuous instincts of one's male partner in the first place, to keep an eye on him (so to speak).
The male can also be hyper-sensitive to the risk that in being harmlessly promiscuous (so to speak), the female may actually get impregnated, or get otherwise entangled, with the new sexual partner and stop providing value to himself and their joint offspring. One of the valid criteria by which men judge this risk is the female's flirtatiousness. If the flirtatiousness is alarming, so is the risk of impregnation.
In any case, it is a risk, and what is the best way to avoid this risk altogether? To keep an eye on her (so to speak) and to forbid her flirtatious behaviour.
Varied sensual pleasures, sexual encounters and flirtatious acts are therefore avoided or prohibited because of these fears. This leads to conscious resentment (it may be repressed or sublimated in the morally fastidious, "brainwashed with monogamy", puritanical or conventional amongst us). But the amusing thing is that these fears, prohibitions and resentments are the supposedly best way humans think they have of optimizing their genetic propagation.
Genetic propagation and its optimization is without a doubt important, but is living in suspicion and resentment a fair price for it? Nature seems to think so.
Do you?